


Letters to you

by Owlie



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Epistolary, Falling In Love, M/M, Not Canon Compliant - The Legend of Korra, Unrequited, love letter, presumably, seriously it's not happy, timestamps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:15:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1375099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlie/pseuds/Owlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko's letters to Aang. A  lot of things had changed since they found him in the ice, but Zuko knew these letters wouldn't change them further, so they sit now where Ursa kept hers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Aang

I’m writing you this because anything I try to say unplanned results in disaster. By the time you read it, either everything I say will be pre-scripted, or I’ll be dead. You would probably then also be dead, and it hurts me to think it, but I’m calmed by the thought of you reading this someday. You need to know, and even if it would be better to tell it to your face from the top of my head, disasters happen. They tend to, for both of us. It’s better this way, I think.

I write to tell you what, even writing it out, I’m not entirely certain of. It’s messy, but so are lots of things, and I know you can see past that. It’s a little confronting to leave one’s life on a piece of paper.

It began a while ago now, a few months before now. I didn’t notice it when it started, but I used to watch you and Katara, back when you were together. It wasn’t in fear, or admiration. Sometimes it was curiosity, and I used to convince myself that it stayed that way, but then I gave up. Something about the two of you stirred something up in me, and it was only later that I recognised it for what it was.

I hoped I was just longing for a love like yours. I was, but it went a lot deeper than that, and it wasn’t too long before I thought I wanted Katara. It didn’t feel right, but I convinced myself I was just unhappy and worried on your behalf that I would do something horrible because of it, after I’d almost gotten around to even accepting it. I lied to myself more than I lied to others back then. I was confused and worried, but I suppose that’s the crux of it all, isn’t it?

Confusion;

Worry.

I thought I wanted love, and I did. Still do.

You two ended things and then I was conflicted. I think you noticed, actually; I didn’t try to hide it as much as I should have, perhaps. I avoided you, but you got on without me. You both did. See, I was sad for you both. You had something nice, and I wasn’t so much of a fool that I wished I was a part of it instead of you. I wanted that, sure, but it wouldn’t have worked. She hated me. Still does, sort of. A part of me was happy you split up, because I did want that, but the part that was guilty about that part was the largest of all and hardest to ignore.

That’s where avoiding you two came in.

I thought I wanted Katara, so I figured, later, I had a chance. I was nicer to her. I helped with chores, I joked, I made an effort to learn more about her. She softened as well, but the confusion stuck.

This is a letter of confusion, in the end, and I know it well.

I’ve never been good at knowing what I wanted. Uncle used to help me with that, but I haven’t seen him in months, though I know he’s alive. I thought I wanted my honour when I really wanted my father’s acceptance, and I shouldn’t have wanted that at all. I worked that one out eventually, but this one would be harder, especially with nobody to talk to about it. At least I wanted to figure it out. That helped.

Sokka wouldn’t be happy, Katara was of course not an option, Toph would laugh in my face, Hakoda would kill me, and you…

I couldn’t break your heart like that, even just to talk it over. I’m not really one to talk much anyway, and I wasn’t sure what it would do to you, but it couldn’t be good. I bottled it up, then I meditated. My bending grew harsher – more powerful, and you might have noticed that, but it confused me more. In the end, that was how I worked it out.

I puzzled over it at first, because my fire was not supposed to be fuelled by hurt or rage or anguish any more.

My fire burned for you, and even as I realised, I burned with it.

It wasn’t Katara that I longed for. I knew the night after we’d visited the dragons, but I wasn’t sure. The next day, I watched you bend fire, my element. I’d taught you that, and Avatar or not I was proud.

Pride is a silly thing, but its warmth is telling. It was a bit more possessive than I was willing to admit. We sparred, and you won. At least I had an excuse this time, whether or not I could tell you.

And that was the other thing. How could I tell you? You trusted me enough to teach you firebending, to sleep with your camp, to not betray you like I did Katara in Ba Sing Se – I thought we were starting to form a friendship.

I treasured it. I’ve never had many friends. I didn’t want to disrupt that, even if I wanted more. My adoration grew, but it couldn’t work. I knew you loved Katara; I know you still do, even if it’s different now. I didn’t think I had a chance at all – you like girls, right? They’re nice, I grant you, but if any of my inner searching and meditation has paid off, I don’t think they’re really my type. I tried, once, but it was boring. That might just have been because it was Mai, but I realised that I was forcing it on myself much more quickly than I realised that I like you. I like you, Aang, and it hurts.

It hurts because even if by some miracle you’re not put off by me being a guy, I’m still me, with all the baggage that comes along with it. I’ve done a lot of things I can’t undo, and I’d be a fool to think that admitting that will change that they happened. It didn’t change Katara’s mind, after all. I’ve tried to hunt you down and kill you on so many occasions I’ve travelled half the world without seeing it at all. My people have terrorised the Water Tribes, annexed most of the Earth Kingdom and wiped out all but one of the Air Nomads. I didn’t do it, but I was their prince; I pushed for it.

You’ve heard the rumours, and I’ll warn you that this isn’t something I like to discuss lightly, but you deserve to know how I got the scar. You’re probably familiar with a few of the rumours, though I suppose a hundred years frozen never helped anyone keep up with gossip of the Fire Nation royals. I was thirteen: old enough to know what would eventually be expected of me and to want to learn it, but too young to know the importance of things. Fire Lord Ozai, Father, walked into the war room and I wanted to follow. Iroh said I could, as long as I kept my mouth shut.

I didn’t.

It was far from unjustified, and I’ve held to that since the day it happened, but one of the generals proposed sending the newest recruits to one of the stronger Earth Kingdom outposts as a distraction while the experienced soldiers attacked from the rear, so I had to speak out. They would be slaughtered, and honestly, I doubt Father took my word into account after it all. I had been disrespectful, and the punishment was the Agni Kai, with the one I had disrespected. I wasn’t overly worried, seeing as the general was an old man and I was arrogant enough to think I could have taken him. Now, I doubt it, but he wasn’t the one I’d disrespected. I’d openly opposed the plans of the Fire Lord himself.

My father stood before me, ready for battle, while I knelt to the ground and begged his forgiveness.

“You will learn respect,” he said, “and suffering will be your teacher.”

He burned me, and I screamed. I was banished, only to restore my honour by returning with the Avatar.

We both know how that went.

My view of whatever I truly wanted was twisted with Father’s words, so even when he did restore it for supposedly killing you, I was as angry and confused as ever. Uncle Iroh had tried to push it at me many times before, but I only started listening long after he was imprisoned. I needed to work out what _I_ wanted, instead of forcing myself into the mould of a fate chosen for me by the father who didn’t love me like I thought he did. Part of me wanted revenge, but I was proud that mostly I just wanted to help bring peace to those harmed by Ozai’s tyranny. So I went to help you firebend, and the group had to ease into trusting me, but I like to think I’ve earned a place with you and your friends, even if not quite in the inner circle.

Then there was the confusion about the bending, the confusion about my feelings in general and then more specifically for you. Lots of confusion.

But I could learn from that and know to not even take myself for exactly what I seemed. I learnt myself better in the last few months than I had in my entire life before that. I really liked you, Aang, as more than just a friend. Maybe I let my eyes linger a little too long, maybe I wanted our training sessions to be longer, maybe I just wanted to sit next to you by the fire at dinner, alone, and talk about the universe. I wasn’t sure of what I wanted, but I knew better than ever that I wanted you.

This letter isn’t a love note, nor a plea; it’s a confession. I’m not such a fool to hope for the miracle of you requiting these feelings. I write to you because I’m tired of keeping things from you that you deserve to understand. I want you, Aang, I want to be with you, but I suppose it’s in my nature to want what I simply cannot have.

For you, and your understanding,

Zuko


	2. Chapter 2

Aang

It’s been a while. We lived, but I guess you know that as well as I do. Better, probably. So much has changed, and together I know we’ll change more but there are some things which have hardly changed at all.

I’m the Fire Lord, and you’re the Avatar. It’s only to be expected, I suppose, but from the first week even I should have been able to see that our meetings would be less frequent. I’d thought I’d see you a lot, but maybe that’s only the case for anyone else who could have taken the throne; I used to spend so much time with you, but I took it for granted and wanted more when I should have savoured it for now. I’m never alone, but at the same time I always am. I’m surrounded by servants and guards and politicians and all sorts of people who just aren’t you. I miss you, Aang. I want you here with me.

You have a duty to the world; I know that. So do I. Sometimes I just wish I was a part of yours. You travel the world, bringing the peace and hope that I always thought it had before, just after the war. I forgot there would be loose ends to tie up. I forgot that people do what they want regardless of who’s in charge and what they’re being told to do. I forgot that our time together would fade away.

The memories aren’t fading, though. I remember you. I remember you fresh out of the ice, I remember how you grew up to what the world needed, I remember it all. We’re still young, but my, how we’ve aged. We’re busy people, and the core of what we do hasn’t changed for a while, but sometimes when the scrolls start to pile and late nights turn to mornings I just want to go back to what we had. I thought we had precious little – now I can see just how precious it was.

I still love you. Part of me hoped that maybe that would fade, but it hasn’t. It’s as bright and strong as ever, just it sits next to other flames, and they drown it out. I’ve grown used to it, and that’s probably a good thing.

The fifth anniversary of Sozin’s comet is next week, and it will be a bigger celebration than we’ve ever had since. I had to move on with what little of my life I had without you. The Fire Sages insisted that I found a wife, and I protested and procrastinated for a while, but I do need an heir, and this is one of those duties I can’t just shirk for you. Mai knows how I feel, so of course she’s not overjoyed. Lots of people go through arranged marriages – if they could handle it, I could too. Mai could. We married last summer, and the guilt eats at me sometimes, but she’s as understanding as I think it’s possible for anyone in her position to be. I can’t waste my life and ruin a country pining over you, as much as I want to sometimes. We’re announcing the pregnancy at the festival. I’ll plaster a smile on my face, and the nation will rejoice, then we’ll walk back inside and drop the masks. Mai doesn’t smile much, but I think she’s just not the smiling type.

We’ll love him or her, whoever he or she ends up being. Our relationship isn’t ideal for a child, but we’ll work it out. I know we can. I won’t be the father my father was to me, regardless of whose child it is. I’ve tried to avoid wishing it was yours, and I’ve mostly succeeded. I just want him or her to lead a normal, happy life, as much as that is possible for a prince or princess.

It’s a little ironic, I suppose – arguably the two men in the world who need their own children, paired off this way. Only we aren’t, and everything went almost perfectly to the scheme of the universe. Almost. Excluding me.

I know you’re starting to settle down a bit, and I know Katara’s waiting for you. She’s an amazing woman, and I feel guilty for envying her sometimes. It’s hard not to resent the woman with the man you love, but I’m working on it. I don’t even really care if it’s nothing more than friendship between us anymore, I just want to see you. I want to fall asleep as you babble on about your day, honestly interested but tired enough it makes no difference. Of course I want you in my arms, but I want you here most of all.

I’m tired. I’m sleepy, I’ve stayed up too late trying to finish what I can’t even properly think about sometimes, but I am just emotionally exhausted from wanting you. I need to rest, Aang, but my home was with you and I’m more homesick than even eight years ago, when I was banished. I miss you so much.

But I know now that we will go our separate ways – you have your own life to live, a love to kindle and a population to rebuild. It’s not what I wanted, but then I always get what I want, just late enough that I don’t want it anymore. I’ve had it all, Aang, except you, but I sit here and vent to a scroll I know I won’t send. It would be too late now, just like everything else.

I used to want to be the Fire Lord. It was going to be this big honour, finally getting to prove myself to the family that never let me, but then I was banished, and then Azula brought me back and I left to find you. I’m not saying I wish I wasn’t. I’ve always wanted the best for the nation, but my idea of that changed over years. I’m fixing it, slowly, with you. I’d never predicted the distance that would involve. I’m helping, I’m a fucking royal and I have everything I’ve ever really wanted but it’s not enough. I’m whining. I’m spoilt, and I’m helpless sometimes, but I just wish I could see you more. It’s dull around here, where the flame supposedly burns brightest.

Mai knows. I didn’t want to tell her at first, but then I had to. She accepted it, at least, and never said a word to anyone else. I’d say she doesn’t understand, never really getting to be with the one she loves, but her situation isn’t far off mine. I’m her prize, and maybe she has the headpiece and the child, but I’m not hers, not really, and she knows that, and I know she’s hurting too. I hate doing this to her, but I’m not going to fake a love I don’t feel. That would be crueller. We’re managing.

Iroh is another story. He called for us to speak privately over a cup of jasmine tea, just hours after the engagement announcement. At first he protested about not being involved or forewarned of this, but when the guards took the hint to leave the room, he sighed deeply and set down his cup.

“You do not love her, Zuko,” he said, voice slightly accusing and disapproving but filled with concern.

“No, Uncle,” I replied. He’d known me better than anyone in the world, but Mai overtook at some point. I couldn’t lie to him.

“But she loves you.”

I stayed silent.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” he asked, pity threaded through the words. I was a little surprised – I thought he’d be more concerned for Mai.

“I don’t have much choice. She knows everything. She understands, sort of, and she’s accepted it like no one else would.”

“There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

“In a way.”

He sighed. “Unrequited love. It hurts, doesn’t it? You want exactly what you can never have, and I’m guessing you could never have him even if he did love you,” he commented.

“How did you-“

“I wasn’t always sure,” he began, “but with time, nephew, all things become clear. It’s just sad when they are clear to others before they are clear to you.”

He didn’t know it was you, but it didn’t make any difference. To Iroh, it never did. We finished our tea in silence, and he left with a sad glance. “All the best for your wedding,” he said, and I was glad he didn’t give me a chance to respond. I sat there alone for a while.

I should be happy. I could be happy, if I just managed to let you go, but that’s easier said than done. You’ve been my life for the last eight years, it would be about time. I don’t think I can just set myself free like that, though. Wanting you is too much a part of who I am – I can’t change it, and I don’t think it would help to try. I did once, about five months ago, and there are bits I regret and bits I swear to Agni I’ll take pride in for as long as I live. I collapsed into tears afterwards, and Mai held me through it. I apologized so many times that night – I knew I was being horrible to her by crying, and that only made it worse. We got through it, eventually. I think she even sighs less sometimes, if only because there’s so much worth sighing at now that she won’t bother.

I know it’s a lost cause, but I tried not caring. I miss you.

I just want you here.

With love, greatest prides and deepest regrets,

Zuko


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of ignored this and then couldn't decide which way I wanted it to go but hey here's an ending. We need more Zukaang, right? sigh

Aang

It’s just me and Katara now. We were old men, the two of us, but I never wanted to live through the time of the world without you again.

I’m not alone, I suppose, but I’m closer to it than I have been in decades. I knew it would happen someday, I just hoped I’d go first. I’m older, but I guess that counted for nothing. I had no word from you for eighteen years, and when my son was asked to tutor the new avatar in firebending, it didn’t bother me until I found out she was fifteen. Three years, Aang. Where were you?

Sometimes I feel like the only person I can confide in is Kalu, and she’s a dragon. I think I’m allowed to be lonely now, for once. I’m an old man with lost hopes and dreams. I’m fickle enough to write to a dead man, what should it matter?

Our vision for the new world is coming together, at least. Republic City is far from perfect, but things are working out for the better. The war is over. I can appreciate that now.

I gave up on you. Half of me wants apologise profusely for it while the other half knows you’d see it as the right thing to do. I’d always struggled with “right”. I let you go, I focused on my people, I spent time with my family – we were a _family_ , Aang, and I could finally see the beauty in it.

But then I know our relationships have never been standard. I can see now that I still thought of us as an “it”, and not an “us”. I should have been there for them more, and I know I shouldn’t have clung to you like I did, even just for propriety’s sake. I thought I was loving them properly, but I wasn’t, and I realise now I’ve been the aloof father and uncaring husband I’d always told myself I wouldn’t be. We helped fix the world, Aang, but at what cost?

There’s another part of me, though, that can’t help but cling to you – your _memory_ now – and I should have quashed it and I _know_ that but I let it simmer just in case. You were the Avatar. Still are, I guess. It was silly of me to think you would be forgotten, but I had to remember you. I held on for eighteen years and deep down I wonder if I ever really let go. I told myself I did, but I’ve never really known myself. It’s been over seventy years since I started to learn myself, but I’m still unsure of so much. Honour is a tricky business, and looking back, I’m not sure I kept as much as I’d thought.

You always understood the world when I couldn’t. You were everything I needed to be , not everything I needed to keep so desperately in my thoughts for fear of truly losing you. I know I have, now.

I want you back, Aang, but I suppose I’ll see you soon enough.

Zuko


End file.
